What Not to Say to a Person in a Wheelchair

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I really debated about publishing this.  I wrote this as a way to process a really awful situation that I found myself in,  when a close friend recommended that I do so.  Many disability bloggers before me have talked about this topic and have even covered some of these themselves as some are really common, and thus, this will not be an exhaustive list of inappropriate comments. There are many more and this post could easily be almost an entire book in itself.

For the purpose of this particular piece I will only be focusing on sharing some of the comments that I have received as a wheelchair user; however, I will be doing another piece at a later date that encompasses comments that people with any and all disabilities receive.  Therefore, if you are reading this and are comfortable sharing with me, feel free to direct message me if you are interested in contributing.

Without further ado, here are some comments that I have received fairly recently-none of which is appropriate to say to a person with a physical disability.

1.  "Can I ride that thing?"
No.  No, you may not.  Why?  This is my mobility device, it is not a toy.  That being said, I have received this comment from both adults and children.  Coming from a child, this is not inappropriate.  I get that children are curious and I welcome that curiosity.  However, if you find yourself saying this as an adult, please stop.  You are not funny and all you will get from me is either a staredown or a snarky response.

2.  "Hey, no speeding in that thing!" or "Should I give you a speeding ticket?"
Again, please stop.  I have heard this joke approximately ten trillion times in my life and it is never funny.  It will never be funny.  Just stop.

3.  "You're such an inspiration!"
There are a time and a place for this comment.  If you say this to me after winning a track and field event, yes, that is a big compliment to me.  However, if you follow up this comment with "because you're in a wheelchair" or "because you get out of bed in the morning," no.  Not appropriate at all.  Too often, people with disabilities are praised simply for existing and living their life.  Disabled individuals are already ostracized by society and this comment only furthers that notion.  It implies that they are not equal to everyone else, just because they were born with or developed something beyond their control.

4.  "You're too pretty to be in a wheelchair!"
Beauty and disability are not mutually exclusive.  Just because someone has a disability, it does not mean that they are automatically unattractive.

5.  This is not necessarily a comment and more of a common occurrence.  While out in public, I notice many young children staring at me and/or making comments or asking questions about me to their parents.  If you are a parent and your child sees me and is curious, I welcome these conversations.  I love talking to kids about my disability, as I may be their first exposure to disability and any way that I can make them more comfortable around others with disabilities, the better.  So please, if your child is curious about me, feel free to approach me to open up that dialogue.  To go along with that, however:

6.  "Why are you in a wheelchair?"
I am a relatively open person and will answer this question more often than not.  However, some days I really just don't want to discuss my disability with a stranger.  Please respect my choice in that.  Also, while I openly discuss my disability often, that does not mean that every disabled person that you may encounter will be as open.  Please respect their choice as well.

7.  Using words like "Differently-abled" or "Crippled"
The term "differently-abled" seems to be gaining in popularity as of late, mainly due to politicians using it more often (looking at you, Robin Vos).  Words and phrases like this come from the fear of saying the word "disabled," as if it is one of the worst things you could say, and is a word to feel shameful about.  Disability is not inherently a bad thing.

8.  "Can I pray for you?"
This is a question that has clear good intentions.  However, it does not always come across this way.  If you say this to me in church, definitely appropriate.  However, if I am shopping in Target and you find the need to come up and ask me this, just don't.  That being said, if your reasoning for praying on my behalf is "for a cure," asking this question is never appropriate.  Disability is not something that needs a cure.  Over 1/5 of the United States' population has a disability of some sort, and are fully capable of living happy, fulfilling lives.  Implying that there is a cure to be had only diminishes people with disabilities to nothing more than something that needs to be eradicated.

9.  "I was in a wheelchair for X amount of time, therefore I totally understand your life and what you go through every day."
Please do not try to relate yourself to me by sharing your story about your being in a wheelchair at one time or another.  While your experience being in a wheelchair short-term is valid when a person shares their stories with me by using a similar phrase, it feels like my experience using a chair for my entire life is somehow less valid.


**I want to take a break from the last section of this list to include a quick disclaimer that the following comment does briefly mention suicide, so if you are uncomfortable with that subject for any reason, please feel free to skip it.**

10.  "If I were in your position, I would kill myself."
This is a comment that I received last week and it has really stuck with me.  In fact, it is the comment that prompted this post.  A few of you reading this already know of the situation that occurred alongside this comment.  This is one of the most hurtful comments I have gotten.  I debated talking about what exactly happened and whether or not I should get into it.  Ultimately though, I have decided to talk about it, as it might raise awareness to a very serious misconception.  While at my internship, one of the volunteers told me about the time he was in a wheelchair for a few weeks.  He then felt it was appropriate to tell me that I "should go to a nursing home for rehab, as they have the best programs," and that this is what helped this man get out of his chair, so that he would not "kill himself and he just hopes I do not kill myself."  This type of statement is concerning for multiple reasons.  For starters, while I do not have depression, there are people who do, and thus, saying this to the wrong person could have dire effects.  Also, this type of comment implies that disabled people's lives are not worth living and their existence is simply a burden on society.

Like I said, this is by no means a full list of all of the insensitive comments that I have received throughout my life, just a few recent ones.  Next, I will be posting an update to my 2020 Election Guide.

Thanks for reading!